Stories
A DAY ON THE RIVER
The Thames embankment is a very pleasant place to spend a warm, sunny
day in June. Nowadays the big attraction is the London Eye. It sometimes
seems like people from every country on Earth are waiting in the queue
for the ride. The view from the top on a clear day is breathtaking. On
this particular day, however, the buildings and parks of London weren't
the only things seen by the holidaymakers. Everyone on the Eye and on
both banks of the river seemed to see it at the same time. There, in the
middle of Old Father Thames, to their utter amazement, was a large whale
floating just below the surface.
Inside the whale, which was six metres long and made of neoprene rubber,
Ivan and Vladimir were seated at their respective camera positions. They
had pushed their viewing periscopes through valves in the upper skin and
could see the people on the bank watching them. The whale itself was a
very sophisticated piece of equipment. Digital cameras, located at the
front and rear, were connected to a large transmitter and every
photograph they took was sent back automatically to the Kremlin in
Moscow.
They had set off the morning before from the Gulf of Finland, sailing
through the Baltic Sea then the North Sea and finally down the river to
London. Because of its size, the interior had room for bunk beds and a
small kitchen in addition to the engine and navigation controls. With
the course set and the autopilot engaged, they had been able to sleep
for most of the journey. As well as driving the propeller, the engine
also worked a small generator, providing electrical supplies, heating
and lighting..
Ivan and Vladimir enjoyed these espionage trips, although they sometimes
wondered why the Kremlin wanted these pictures of other countries. After
all, the Cold War was over now and Russia was actively seeking friendly
cooperation with its neighbours. Training to operate the 'whale' had
been undertaken along the rivers in Russia. One of the problems they had
encountered was that because the periscopes could be extended to a
considerable length so that they were able to conceal themselves well
below the river surface, they sometimes bottomed and did not always have
enough engine power to pull the vessel free. However, they soon got the
hang of estimating the depth of rivers, and were finally cleared to sail
outside the mother country. Then problems occurred because sometimes, in
their quest to obtain better pictures, they were too close to the
surface and were spotted by the occasional fisherman on the river bank.
No-one would believe lone fishermen, though, especially if they were
carrying a bottle of something strong in their fishing bag, and the
friends felt confident that they could maintain their security.
As well as the river Thames they had also sailed down the river Rhine in
Germany and the river Seine in France. It had been explained to them
that the Kremlin needed to know, for example, if new power stations,
industrial sites and military installations were being built. The
photographs could also sometimes indicate the general affluence of a
country and give some idea of the nationality of its visitors, they had
said. The whale also contained a television with a retractable aerial,
so that they could tune in to all the TV channels available in each
country, to gain more information. Ivan and Vladimir watched most of the
TV programmes on the English channels, especially the sports coverage
and the period dramas. They were astonished, however, that anyone would
choose to watch reality TV programmes like Big Brother, which they saw
as trash that would never be tolerated in their own country.
Close to the London Eye, Ivan noticed that there were a lot of Oriental
and Arabic groups on the river bank. His camera began to work overtime.
Meanwhile, Vladimir had left his post at the back of the whale and
turned on the television just in time for the lunchtime news. The lead
story made him catch his breath and stare incredulously lit the screen.
'Ivan, I think we're in trouble,' he called to his friend. We've drifted
much too close to the surface. They've decided we're a real whale which
has lost its way. These pictures are showing what looks like a very
large rescue ship approaching fast from our rear. Oh my God, the
reporter is saying that they plan to winch us up onto their deck and
take us back to the open sea'.
Vladimir and lvan watched the screen in horror as the ship pulled
alongside them. They saw some crew members, currying rolls of flat
webbing, climb into a basket suspended beneath a crane. The jib of the
crane was then swung to a position above the whale and the crew each
took an end of the webbing and jumped into the water on either side of
the whale. It must have been whilst the crew were fastening the flat
webbing together beneath the whale that they realised something was
amiss.
Neoprene rubber has a rougher texture than the skin of a whale. In
addition, the whale access panel, a double sealed chamber, is located in
the middle of the lower skin and must have been seen by the rescuers.
Nevertheless, as the crowds watched from the river banks and half the
nation watched on television, the whale and its occupants were raised
from the water. Then, to prolonged applause from the river banks,
inflated protection bags were placed all around the whale and it was
gently lowered onto the deck of the rescue ship. The Russians were
trapped inside the whale. One of the rescuers then ran forward to find
the ships' Captain and tell him what they had seen. When the Captain had
recovered his composure he immediately contacted the Ministry of
Defence. After a short conversation he quickly assembled his crew.
'Right, chaps,' he explained, 'here's what we have to do. We have to
maintain the pretence that this is a real whale, take it to a quiet
section of the river and find out what's going on. Let's hose it down
with water for the benefit of the television cameras, and then get on
our way'.
As the rescue ship sped away from the London Eye back down the river,
Ivan and Vladimir looked at each other with trepidation. What would
happen to them now? Sometime later the ship stopped at a mooring on a
quiet section of the river. The whale was winched upwards a couple of
feet and the Captain ordered the outer then the inner access doors to be
opellcd. The two Russians sheepishly climbed out of the whale, which was
then searched by the crew members, who quickly found the digital cameras
and removed them. Meanwhile the Captain telephoned the police and the
Russians were formally arrested and driven away.
Once again the Captain contacted the Ministry of Defence for further
advice. It was decided to inform the press that the whale had died
whilst being taken back to the open sea. Moscow could not be implicated
publicly, as this would sour diplomatic relationships between the two
countries. Ivan and Vladimir would be tried as spies working for a
private company. The whale was to be hidden in a local derelict hangar
for a few months, and then positioned in Hyde Park close to Princess
Diana's Memorial water display, where it would be rearranged internally
and opened as a play area for children.
Vladimir and Ivan were questioned extensively in Paddington Green police
station. It was agreed that, being confined to a river, the information
they had sent back to Moscow was not sensitive and could not compromise
Britain's security in any way. Nevertheless there would have to be a
trial to deter people from carrying out similar exercises in future.
A few weeks later Vladimir and Ivan stood in the dock, in one of the
smaller courtrooms at the Old Bailey. Ivan's wife and Vladimir's
girlfriend were seated in the courtroom with other members of their
families. The mood was relaxed. The Russiuns had been well treated by
the police, who after the initial furore saw the whole incident as a bit
of a laugh. 'l'hey were hoping to receive a light sentence.
With a call of 'All rise' from the court usher, the judge swept into the
courtroom, resplendent in his wig and red gown. The trial was a
formality and the jury, as expected, returned a verdict of 'Guilty'. The
prisoners were then asked to stand and receive their sentence.
The judge stared at the two Russians for several seconds, and then spoke
slowly. 'I regard espionage as a serious crime, not to be tolerated in
any form. I had in mind a custodial sentence of five years, but I'm told
that you actually enjoy some aspects of prison life. I have therefore
decided that you be kept in Paddington Green police station until the
next series of Big Brother is screened on television. You will then join
the cast of the show, the failing pop stars and the other misfits, for a
period of two weeks. Let that be a lesson to you.'
The stunned silence in the courtroom was broken only by the sobbing of
the prisoners as they were led back to their cells.
by Keith Wright
Taken, by kind permission from, his book published in 2008, Wright Wrubbish, illustrated by David Ball.