Jake, Grandad and the Dragon

Once upon a time . . .

Once upon a time, near a town not very far away from Stockport, there lived a dragon named Cedric. Cedric was not a happy dragon, and the reason was, he was lonely. The trouble being, every time he tried to say 'hello, how are you today,' he breathed fire and smoke. Everyone just ran off. 'Do all dragons breathe fire,' asked Jake? 'I don't know, but this one did. I think it's very much a dragon thing.' Anyway, one day the Mayor's daughter disappeared. It wasn't the first time she'd wandered off so no one was worried at first, until a travelling wimple salesman mentioned he'd seen her with the dragon. Now the townsfolk were very proud of their dragon, not many towns had one, but this was different. They went off to tell the Mayor.

The Mayor was in his counting house, counting his money. You had to be very rich to have a house just to count money in, even in those days. 'My Dad's got a counting house,' said Jake. 'No he hasn't, it's a garden shed. He keeps tools in it and rubbish your Mother doesn't want in the house.' 'Could be a counting house,' muttered Jake. After hearing the news the Mayor sat down to think. You don't get to be rich enough to have a counting house without being able to think, and the Mayor's counting house was a very large one. It needed to be. He owned most of the businesses and property around the town. After a while he came up with a cunning plan.

The town not only had a dragon it also had a knight in shining armour. Well not exactly shining, because Sir Daniel wasn't really into that sort of thing. He was more of a knight in rusty armour and the Mayor's plan was this. He wasn't interested in the fate of his daughter because she was a major expense. And if you ever have a teenage daughter you'll know what the word expense means, and why teenagers spell it in capitals. No, he was worried by public opinion, and concerned about the fate of the dragon. The dragon was a tourist attraction and he didn't want anything serious to happen to it. 'Why do knights have to have shining armour,' asked Jake, 'couldn't they just have a matt finish? It would save an awful lot of time polishing.' 'Tradition! Just let me get on with the story.' He would seek out the knight and offer him his daughter's hand in marriage. That way he was in a win win situation. If the dragon prevailed he would save face with the townsfolk for trying. If, an unlikely event, Sir Daniel won he'd offload an expensive daughter. It was with a song in his heart that he went to visit the young knight.

Daniel was on his allotment lifting potatoes when the Mayor arrived. 'Good morning Your Honour,' he said. 'If you've come about the rent for my smallholding, I've a bit of a cash flow problem at the moment. I can pay you in spuds.' 'No it isn't that,' replied the Mayor. I need someone to go out and slay the dragon. So naturally I came to you.' 'Well, I've had a bit of a cold and the vegetables need bringing in,' muttered the knight. Trying to think on his feet. 'The dragon's kidnapped my daughter Kate, and of course, I'll be offering her hand in marriage to whoever rescues her.' This rocked Sir Daniel back on his heels, because he worshipped the Mayor's daughter Kate. From afar of course. 'Why from afar, asked Jake? 'It's another knightly tradition,' replied his Grandad. 'What a bunch of losers', thought Jake. 'I'll have to polish my armour, it's got a bit rusty, and then there's my sword to sharpen. I've been using it to poke the fire. And I'll need to get my shield from the garden. I've been growing watercress on it. Will this afternoon be OK?' The Mayor went back to his favourite hobby of counting his money satisfied that his plan was beginning to take shape.

Meanwhile, back in Cedric's cave, Kate and the dragon were having tea and cakes. 'These are excellent cakes,' commented Kate. 'Did you make them yourself?' I have to,' replied Cedric. 'If I go to town to shop everyone runs away.' 'I suppose it's because of your fiery breath,' mused Kate. 'Don't worry we can do something about it. In the meantime here's a mint to suck. In fact, take the packet. I think the answer is in controlling your stomach muscles. When you can do that you'll be able to breathe fire at will. You'll still be able to brew tea and bake but you can talk to people without them being afraid. You never need be lonely again.' So Cedric spent the rest of the morning doing breathing exercises, while Kate drank tea and ate cakes. 'Isn't it about time Sir Daniel arrived to kill him,' asked Jake? 'Sir D's going to get a bit of a shock isn 't he!'

Just as Kate was telling Cedric how well he had done and how proud she was of him, from outside the cave there came the clash of rusty sword on rusty shield and a voice yelled. 'Come hither foul beast and be slain, and release the fair maid Kate. Or should that be the other way round?' 'Just my luck,' said Cedric. 'It's a knight errant on a fair maid rescue quest. I'll have to kill him and then no one will speak to me. Not even if I can control the fire.' 'Don't worry,' Kate reassured him. 'I can sort this. It's only Sir Daniel, he worships me from afar. When it's time I'm going to marry him, but he doesn't know this yet.' 'Hang about,' said Jake. 'She knows all about the worshipping from afar thing. How does she know that?' 'She's a woman. She can multi-task,' replied his Grandad. Kate went outside to face the knight, who was rather embarrassed he had not been able to prove how brave he was. 'Do come in and have some tea and cakes. Cedric's just put the kettle on again.' Daniel followed her into the cave and, muttering an apology to Cedric, sat down with a cup of tea and a cake, while Kate explained what had been happening.

'So everything's fine now,' she said, 'we can all go back to town. I have a plan.' 'It's not fine,' groaned a worried Daniel. 'Part of the deal with your father was that when I slay the dragon I win your hand in marriage. Now he won't let me win a toenail, let alone a complete hand.' The hand in marriage was part of my plan too, thought Kate. What she said was: 'Do you want to marry me?' 'Of course,' replied Sir Daniel. 'I worship you from afar!' 'What a wimp,' thought Jake. 'If he was alive today he'd be on Strictly Come Dancing, probably wearing a pink shirt.' 'Then I accept,' replied Kate and explained what her plan was, or at least that part of it that hadn't concerned a proposal of marriage. 'What we'll do,' she said, 'is return to town and start up business using Cedric's peculiar talents. I thought first of all a bakers. You, Daniel, can grow the raw materials. Cedric can do the baking and I'll handle the business end. Then after a while we can try charcoal burning. There should be a good market for charcoal.' 'Won't your father be upset,' asked Daniel. 'He controls most of the businesses around town, he'll not be happy about this?' 'I'll handle my father,' said Kate. So the three of them picked their way back to town. Each with their own separate thoughts.

The Mayor was still in his counting house when he heard the townsfolk cheering. 'Oh no,' he said to himself. 'The young fool has killed the dragon. That means a big dip in tourist income.' But when he went to see what had happened he saw the three figures approaching, happily conversing. 'Hello father,' greeted Kate. 'Daniel has reasoned with the dragon and also cured his habit of breathing fire. I hope this qualifies him for my hand in marriage?' The Mayor pretended to think, but in fact this was turning out better than he had planned. The dragon was still around and he was getting rid of an expensive teenager. 'What does she spend all the money she gets from her father on,' inquired Jake? 'Nothing,' replied Grandad. 'She gives it back to the townspeople after her father has overcharged them. She is a very compassionate girl.' 'Of course he can marry you. He must be a very brave young man,' said the Mayor, tongue in cheek, giving no indication why he thought Daniel brave. 'Good, I'll need a dowry. First you can sign over the town bakery and then there's Daniel's smallholding and some extra land to grow wheat on, and finally the large woodland to the south of town. I'll let you know if I can think of anything else before the marriage deeds are signed.' 'Perhaps,' said her father, doing a quick double think. 'Daniel isn't the right man for you after all. Not really a man of the world, not able to keep you in the manner to which you've become accustomed.' 'Of course,' Kate replied, 'there's always Sir Jeffrey in Stockport. He's older and a man of the world, but I think he'll ask for a much larger dowry.' The Mayor knew when he was beaten.'If you're taking over the bakery you can do the catering,' was his final comment. The townspeople all cheered.

So the young couple were married and Kate became Lady Kate. Cedric left his cave and went to live over the bakery, where he grew very friendly with the existing staff. After all, he got them a pay rise. Everyone lived happily ever after. Well almost everyone. The Mayor was a bit miffed that he hadn't seen the money making potential of Cedric's unique gift. But then he'd unburdened himself of an expensive daughter and the money was still in the family. He began to whistle as he counted his coins.

by Eric Sturmey

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