Features
MORE SEPTUAGENARIAN THOUGHTS
My thoughts can best be described as cerebral contraflow or, better
still, head like a doughnut.
They say an elephant never forgets but has one ever tried to memorize
War and Peace?
Age is just a number but in my case it’s a big number.
England haven’t won the World Cup since 1066 or was it 1966? I know it
wasn’t this Millennium.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Someone egged it on.
Never cross a water melon with a leek.
To get the most out of life – live it.
My mother thought I was handsome but no woman has since.
My sister had all the good looks in our family. I had to make do with
measles.
Only one England player has the ball juggling skills of a Brazilian.
Pity it’s the goalkeeper.
He’s the daddy of them all! Well most of them, Russell Brand has to be
the daddy of some.
I could have been an actor! I mean, complete lack of talent doesn’t seem
to bother the actors on television.
River high, mountain deep! Someone’s been at the loony juice again.
Just because someone’s a famous actor it doesn’t mean they can’t act.
My short term memory has taken a holiday.
People who’ve read my thoughts have been trying to get me a lobotomy on
the National Health. Are they too late?
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession
of a good fortune, must be in want of a life.
A loser always follows a lover, except in a dictionary.
I used to think of June as the month of roses; now I think of it as the
month of cleavage.
Poets, writers, artists, even Professors of English, all want to be my
friends on Facebook; what’s happened to the lap dancers?
Why should I be politically correct? I don’t want people to call me
before noon but that doesn’t stop them.
I could be an Egghead, not because I’m good at quizzes but because I’m
bald.
I always try for a balanced diet. I eat standing on one leg.
The last time a visiting team got a penalty at Old Trafford football was
banned because it interfered with archery practice.
You know you’re old when it’s not just policemen who look young but also
other pensioners.
I’d have been a great sinner but I was no good at it.
I bought a calculator, the Government said it was a weapon of maths
deduction and invaded my front room.
People are like icebergs – they’re mostly below the surface.
Never throw rotten eggs at the police. You might miss.
‘Don’t throw your love away, you might need it someday.’ Like when you
have to lie to the wife.
All this 21st Century technology, just when I was coming to grips with
19th Century technology.
If Jane Austen had written Pride and Prejudice today Lydia Bennet would
have been the heroine, not Elizabeth.
Love makes the world go round – or in my case pear shaped.
They say: ‘Love is blind!’ I can’t see why.
The pun is mightier than the word.
There are advantages to being old – when I think of one I’ll let you
know.
Is Imperial Leather soap made from real or imitation leather?
The difference between heaven and hell is the spelling.
Never take advice from a one legged crocodile trainer.
An advertising slogan sometimes sounds more believable than the facts.
He changed history – he wrote history books.
Nothing’s as bad as it’s pointed – not when I paint it that is.
If you can’t pronounce it, how do you know it’s legal.
I’d like to live in a free trade area – I certainly can’t afford to buy
anything.
How come Boots has branches but no sole.
I don’t have an inferiority complex. I actually am inferior.
Love hurts, hate kills.
I used to think a chipmunk was a type of squirrel, now I realize they’re
descendants of Friar Tuck.
If music be the food of love I’ve spent my life playing the triangle and
eating plastic.
What a day this has been, what a rare mood I’m in – it’s almost like
being in Scunthorpe.
One of my brain cells died, I’d lent the other one to my sister.
If you don’t dig the dirt you can’t reap the crop.
THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN One
liners click
MORE THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
click
YET MORE THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
click
EVEN FURTHER THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
click
STILL MORE THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
click
THAT SEPTUAGENARIAN'S STILL THINKING
click
MORE SEPTUAGENRIAN THOUGHTS click
FURTHER SEPTUGENARIAN THINKING click
THE SEPTUGENARIAN THINKS AGAIN
click
ECCENTRIC THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
click