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YET MORE THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
The best cure for seasickness is to stay at home.
I have the mind of a teapot – and it’s an empty tea pot.
People liken me to Coco the Clown. They think I have his dress sense.
The government have created a prison overspill. They’ve called it
Manchester.
They say the best things in life are free. Could I have one of the free
private jets and, if possible, one of the free blondes?
In Lancashire they used to say: ‘There’s trouble at Mill. Now it’s:
‘There’s trouble at Local History Museum, or ‘There’s trouble at Multi
Unit Art Centre.’
Reincarnation! Not in this life.
I’m against computer dating. My Mac went out with a PC and never came
back.
I’d eat humble pie. In fact I’d eat anything if it was seasoned.
If artists ran the country instead of politicians, I wouldn’t want Tracy
Emin as Prime Minister.
When Gene Kelly danced he wrote poetry with his feet. When I dance it’s
blank verse.
‘Now is the winter of our discontent.’ The pubs have just shut.
Don’t spread gossip. Lay it on with a trowel.
Don’t back horses, they’re much faster going forwards.
I’m the black sheep of the family, in fact the only sheep, everyone else
is a wolf.
The love of a good woman is worth more than all the tea in China, but
only if tea prices have hit an all time low.
If you want to keep high and dry, don’t do the Can Can in a rowing boat.
Love is a many splendored thing but so is a rainbow and, on the whole,
it’s a lot cheaper.
If you put your money where your mouth is you’ll find it hard drinking a
cuppa.
One advantage about being single is the lack of a mother-in-law.
Take things one step at a time. It’s the only way to walk.
I paint like Picasso with a brush stuck up his nose. No I don’t, I’m not
nearly that good.
I wouldn’t change my lifestyle for all the camels in Iceland.
Take a long look at yourself. If you like what you see make an
appointment with an optician.
A watched pan never boils, unless you put a light under it.
I saw someone described as ‘one of the most trusted people on
television.’ As an oxymoron that’s up there with ‘military
intelligence.’
Some men think of themselves as God’s gift to women, they could be
right. He also gave women cellulite.
It wasn’t the last straw that broke the camel’s back, it was all the
other straws before the last. They’re enough to give anyone the hump.
Boudica destroyed London in AD60. Pity she didn’t make a better job of
it.
Never give a giraffe a lick of your ice cream.
They say: ‘The older you are, the wiser you become.’ They’re wrong.
Lover when you’re near me and I hear you speak my name softly in my
heart there beats utter panic.
It’s not a good idea to smoke but there’s nothing fishy about smoking
haddock.
‘Long time, no see.’ As the blind man said to the faith healer.
If every original thought was laid end to end they wouldn’t make a one
liner.
Stockport isn’t in the Domesday Book. Can’t think why, it’s not hard to
find if you drive up the M6.
No man is an island but if I was an island I’d choose to be one in the
Med and not the North Sea.
Two can live as cheaply as one but only if they’re both on a diet.
If being financially challenged means you’re broke, I’m facing an
insurmountable challenge.
Never hug a porcupine, not even if it’s really good looking.
I’m in good shape, or I would be if I was Mr Blobby.
I believe in free expression but not if it’s too expensive.
I’m not on the internet, I prefer the by-ways to the information
highway.
I’d print my own money but I can’t afford the paper – or the prison
sentence.
Money talks but not in a language I understand.
I’d like to say that lawyers are human beings too but I’m not very
convincing.
I’m not a racist it’s the Welsh I can’t stand.
Wales has produced many fine singers – and, of course, Tom Jones.
I stopped aging at about 6 years old – at least mentally.
Growing old is better than the alternative.
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