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THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
I don’t want to reminisce,
To remember what I used to be.
I want to be adventurous today -
And tomorrow.
Even though I’ve few tomorrows left
To be adventurous in.
A little pain never hurt anyone.
Never do today what you couldn’t be bothered doing yesterday.
Don’t try to be the life and soul of the party, be yourself - bore
people.
If God’s in His Heaven, who’s going to plant all the flowers this
spring?
In my old age I’ll re-invent myself as a sage - or should that be an
onion? Perhaps a sage and onion.
I’d join the Foreign Legion but I can’t remember what I’m trying to
forget.
If it isn’t broken you’ve not been trying hard enough.
Some people think of Woody Allen as the wittiest man of the 20th
Century. Stephen Fry would like to be thought of as the wittiest man of
the 20th Century. Has no one heard of P G Wodehouse?
I wake in the morning and if I can see the ceiling I know I’m alive and
get up. If I can’t see the ceiling I know I’m dead and stay in bed.
I was asked how I paid my bills. I replied: ‘Reluctantly!’
You’re old when you wake up in the morning aching in every limb and you
know it’s the best you’re going to feel all day.
If truth had wings would it choose to be a butterfly or a fighter plane?
I know a Stockport County fan. Not many people can say that.
I’d like to be famous enough to have someone write my autobiography.
Have you bought a Cappuccino recently? It’s like being asked to
underwrite the Brazilian economy.
I have an art collection. Of course, it’s nothing like Charles
Saatchi’s. It’s much better than that.
Art is a visual pleasure, not an intellectual one. If I wanted
intellectual stimulus I’d take up knitting.
They say: ‘Love makes the world go round.’ If so, my world’s got four
flat tyres.
An ambulance attended Stockport’s last home game. County scored and half
the spectators fainted. Still, one ambulance was big enough to hold both
of them.
They say youth is wasted on the young but what else can you waste it on?
If revenge is sweet and is also a dish best served cold then would cold
custard be the revenge of choice?
If I could live my life again I’d do the same things but with more
style.
If music be the food of love it’s a pity I’m tone deaf.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman fell out of a bar. They
weren’t hurt it was a sandbar.
‘Dreaming when dawn’s left hand was in the sky, I heard a voice within
the tavern cry’: ‘Time gentlemen please. Have you no homes to go to?’
My sister and I don’t have middle names. We were too poor to afford
middle names.
Age doesn’t bring wisdom - just wrinkles.
If spiders were women their webs would have curtains.
If you’re starting a collection - collect friends.
All men need the love of a good woman, or two, or three.
I couldn’t light up a conversation if I had a switch attached to my lip.
My IQ registers negative on the Richter Scale.
My coffee tastes as though it’s been filtered through an old pair of
socks.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you.
If you lie, cheat and steal, does that make you a bad person?
I know nothing about money, unfortunately, neither do the bankers.
Don’t follow your dream. Race ahead of it.
Every man has his price. Mine’s about tuppence happen.
Initially, a Welshman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman had
this thought. ‘Is that WISE?’
If I had an original thought it’d be the first.
I’d like to be a Pigmy but I’m not tall enough.
They rejected me as the eighth dwarf because I wanted to call myself
‘Lofty’.
Death can’t be as painful as the journey getting there.
I don’t believe in reality - I’m English.
Henry the Eighth had six wives, one for each day of the week. He rested
on Sunday.
I wouldn’t trust the media to get the date right, let alone the news.
I’m not religious enough to be an atheist.
If ‘All the World’s a Stage’ where are the audience going to sit?
‘There was an Old Woman who lived in a shoe.’ With the cost of housing
these days, I’m surprised she could afford that.
‘There was an Old Woman who lived in a shoe.’ It rained in through the
lace holes.
‘Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard.’ She rented the top shelf to a
family of illegal immigrants.
If my mother and father had never met who’d be writing this rubbish?
Adolphe Valette is my favourite painter named Adolf.
Never daydream! You might not have any new dreams left for when you go
to bed.
People who live in glass houses should have employed a different
architect.
I hope it rains tomorrow because tomorrow never comes.
If the world’s round how come the naughty people get cornered?
If nothing’s made to last these days why are there more pensioners?
I have nothing against octogenarians. I hope to become one.
I wanted to become a doctor but I failed the medical.
A broken promise can’t be mended.
Armpits of the world unite but don’t hold your Conventions in Stockport.
If at first you don’t succeed, give up bullfighting.
‘If I should die think only this of me’ - Silly Old Fool, it’s about
time.
I’ve a short memory span. I can’t remember a thing that’s going to
happen tomorrow.
If a dog’s a man’s best friend it doesn’t say much for human
relationships.
Do people who live in glass houses take a broader view of life?
Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses, let them try to keep up with you.
I play goalkeeper for the local chess team.
‘You don’t look too good. Would you mind buying the next round?’
If you ever go across the sea to Ireland, you’re obviously not living in
Dublin.
Haymakers of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your wains.
Idiots of the world unite, you have nothing to lose.
An actor should be like the curate’s egg - good in parts.
If cannibals put Stephen Fry in their cooking pot would he have to
change his name to Stephen Boyle.
I’m not English, I’m a Zulu. I’ve gone this strange pale colour because
I’ve not been well lately.
I don’t think the Zulus would want me. If I was a foot taller, of
athletic build and an Olympic standard javelin thrower, they might just
make me a honorary member of the tribe.
Jeeves is a one dimensional character. Even Hugh Grant could play him.
If you’ve read all this tripe you’re a masochist. If you’re reading it
backwards you’re a tsihcosam. If you’ve not bothered reading it you’re
me.
Why don’t MPs get a proper job?
I’d go around with a song in my heart but there’s not much room for it
with all those blood vessels.
Some people think that, at my age, I should stop trying to be witty,
others think I already have, most think I never was.
Gone are the days when you could go out with sixpence in your pocket,
purchase a meal for two and a bottle of wine, and still have enough
change left to buy Wayne Rooney.
If I ruled the world it would be in feint blue, three to the inch and
with a margin.
If nothing lasts for ever why do we never see the last of everything?
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