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THE SEPTUAGENARIAN THINKS AGAIN
Poetry is the opiate of literature.
Just because you're long in the tooth it doesn't mean you'll get a
bigger bite of the toffe apple.
Reality television is about as real as Humpty Dumpty falling off a wall.
Wales is the Land of My Fathers. Well your father maybe, mine came from
Stockport.
Is a pine nut the result of crossing a pineapple with a peanut?
There are seven days of the week and Seven Deadly Sins. We sinners don't
even get a rest on a Sunday! I'm going to organise a Trade Union.
Never wash your socks in cold water. In fact never wash your socks, it
really annoys the ladies.
'For ever and ever my heart will be true.' And if you believe that
you'ld believe the Conservative Party Manifesto.
History repeated itself - it should have taken a Rennie.
If God had meant us to text he'd have given us pointed fingers.
What was supposed to be the Golden Age of English Football turned out to
be the gold plated age of English Football.
It's too late to change your opinion when you're dead.
The Marriage Council hired Elizabeth Taylor - to teach husbandry.
I don't repeat gossip - I invent it.
He was so religius his glasses always faced east.
I was never late for work - I was unemployed.
The thing I have most experience in is failure.
It was the first day of a new diet. Also the last.
I can't afford a holiday. Not since the price of postcards went up.
'It's a free country.' I wish someone would tell the Inland Revenue.
At last I've found someone with a bigger inferiority complex than mine.
He's from Texas.
I was in a French restaurant and tried, in French, to get a date with a
waitress - I ordered a bowl of gooseberries.
It's a dog's life - if you're a Poodle.
I sought religion and found torment.
When you find contentment life bowls you a googly.
They try to keep dangerous weapons out of the hands of idiots - and then
they gave me a pen.
Do I go to the gym? My body may be a temple but it's a ruined temple and
I don't want anyone trying to retore it.
If music be the food of love I'll have the London Symphony Orchestra for
lunch. I need all the help I can get.
Chartreuse is the new black. Bruise is the new black and blue.
It should have been the calm before the storm but the weather
forecasters got it wrong again.
The economy's down the drain. Thar's mould in them thar tills.
'Rain, rain, go away, come again another day' - and preferably in
another place.
'The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain' - no point in me going
there for a holiday then.
It would be difficult for Russia to win the World Cup - they don't have
a right wing.
I couldn't write a novel based on my life. There's not enough of
interest to fill a novelette.
Things are tight - things should stop drinking the looney juice.
When it was 1815 in Manchester it was a quarter past six in Stockport.
You can always recognise an Irishman. He's the one pouring Guiness over
his cornflakes.
My mother had an 'Old Lancashire Saying' to misfit every occasion.
Don't point that loaded bra at me madam.
If I was any more two faced I'd be a crowd.
If he wanted to lose weight, rather than cut down on his beer, he'd have
his teeth out.
He was solid muscle from the top of his head to the tip of his chin.
He's as honest as the Arctic day is long - in January of course.
I never forget a shape.
Instead of setting off fireworks to commemorate an attempt to blow up
Parliament why doesn't someone just blow up Parliament?
I have the luck of the devil but he's a very unlucky devil.
I went to the barber's to get my hair cut and he asked: 'The one on the
left or the one on the right?'
She liked him more than a warm blanket on a cold night.
Better the devil you know than the god you don't know.
My well of knowledge hasn't run dry but it's not exactly overflowing.
The secret of long life is to stay alive.
Better to go roamin' with a Roman than whaling with a Welshman.
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THE SEPTUGENARIAN THINKS AGAIN
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ECCENTRIC THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
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