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STILL MORE THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
I lost my wife recently. I really will have to stop gambling.
Walk 10,000 steps a day! Not only will it keep you fit but this time
next year you could be in Australia.
I wish I knew some ‘yes’ men, I’m fed up of agreeing with myself.
I keep a file of letters sent me by the council. I don’t read them of
course, I just file them.
No woman has ever contradicted her husband while he was signing a
cheque.
The world is our lobster.
A man with nothing to lose is a man with nothing.
Wine matures, men don’t.
Keep the home fires burning. Become an arsonist.
Eastlands – football stadium or custom built comedy club.
It’s been raining in at my house but I prefer to think of it as a water
feature.
They say art mirrors life. Dali must have based ‘The Persistence of
Memory’ on my life.
Good training for a wrestler would be to go shopping during the spring
sales.
Her skin had a hint of yellow, like a lemon with jaundice.
I don’t need to be good at DIY, I own a telephone.
Why didn’t Bill Gates go for where the real money is and become a
plumber?
I put my brain to good use. It stops my eyes from imploding.
‘There’s honour among thieves!’ Possibly the only section of society
with any left.
‘Green grow the rushes ho!’ Now that’s a surprise.
I am the Alpha and Omega of ignorance.
Is everyone in America ‘in a state?’
Like all swimmers, he was wet behind the ears.
I wasn’t born yesterday – but you’d expect that from an old age
pensioner.
I tried to sell my birthright for a mess of potage, but no one thought
it was worth that much.
When I die don’t think of me by the old familiar name you always used –
say something nice about me instead.
The trouble with Chinese meals – six months later you’re hungry again.
Shopping with my sister is a fate worse than a fate worse than death.
If there wasn’t any Premier League footballers, kids in England would
grow up without knowing what a millionaire looks like.
The older you get the older you get.
If money is the root of all evil, I must be without sin.
Never wear your heart on your sleeve, unless you want an early death.
Some people grow up without growing old. I grew old without growing up.
I’ve immatured with age.
Never let loves young dream become a nightmare.
My shirts are drip dry – I’m a dry drip.
If the moon really was made of cream cheese wouldn’t Armstrong, Aldrin
and Collins have cornered the cheese market?
Chase your dream – even if it’s going downhill.
Diamonds aren’t really a girl’s best friend, but men who give girls
diamonds – maybe.
Don’t go west young man, you’ll fall of the end of Blackpool pier.
Dreams are for dreamers – stay awake.
Do the residents of leafy suburbs have Avenue Cred while others have
Street Cred?
Is a greengrocer a grocer without Street Cred?
My parents had no money and I’m carrying on the family tradition.
I swing a mean hip – I can’t dance, I’ve got osteo arthritis.
She was showing a lot of flesh and that was just her nose.
If you can spell forgetful you probably aren’t.
She was the type of woman who’d had her sense of humour removed and
replaced with a desire to invade Poland.
What do professional golfers take up when they retire?
If I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t do anything different – I know
nothing now.
I forgot my glasses and tried to chat up a coat stand. Well, it had a
better figure and a more intelligent line of conversation than most
women I know.
They don’t have ‘O’ type blood anymore. It’s so yesterday to have a
blood group of only one letter.
I wanted to be a pirate and sail the seven seas, pillaging – but my wife
wouldn’t let me.
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