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ODD THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
Mathematically speaking I’m dyslexic.
Don’t put your daughter on the stage Mrs Worthington, trains are more
comfortable and much quicker.
Love equals nothing, nothing equals love.
I f I had wings I too would fly south for the winter.
I don’t march to a different drumbeat, I limp to a different drumbeat.
For my fan club members worldwide this message: ‘Hi to both of you’.
It may be a long story but you’ve got a lifetime to tell it in.
‘It’s a long way to Tipperary,’ so I won’t bother going.
‘If the truth be known,’ there’s a lot of politicians who’d be in the
soft and smelly stuff.
Why don’t celebrities dish the dirt on members of the media. That would
be much more interesting.
I fell in the snow. You can never find a St Bernard with a barrel of
brandy when you need one.
During the cold snap the North West of England was supposed to be colder
than parts of the Arctic. Why don’t birds migrate to Iceland for the
winter.
Our hands touched and, briefly, I knew the meaning of life.
She wasn’t built like the Titanic, she was built like the iceberg.
I wanted a killer whale as a pet but my wife wouldn’t let me keep it in
the bath.
If you cross a lemon with a melon you get an anagram.
‘Green grow the rushes ho,’ but if you’ve been on the Loony Juice they
can be all the colours of the rainbow.
I may be small but I cast an even smaller shadow.
A man can never understand women – they’re all different.
If no one knows the meaning of life, why is the word in the dictionary?
Life is for living, wife is for wooing. A mix up could spell strife.
I’ve been reading my own thoughts – I need help.
The gypsy in me says - travel. The osteoarthritis in me says – put your
feet up.
Don’t pay small children to clip your hedge – pay them not to.
I’m a fashion icon for Big Issue sellers.
The Big Freeze is the worst disaster to hit Britain since the General
Election.
A red sky at night is a shepherd’s delight, a red eye in the morning is
a boozer’s warning.
There are two types of statistics – one you look up, one you look at.
Women will never have equality with men until men start complaining that
they’ve left the toilet seat down.
All work and no play makes Jack a killjoy.
A boy should be seen but not heard – a man can be a nerd but not
obscene.
Never waste a banana skin by dropping it on the ice. Save it for summer,
people like to slip then too.
I’m as sharp as a broken pencil.
When I was young I thought I’d never grow old – now I’m old I’m glad I
did.
If someone challenges you to a duel choose strawberry jellies as your
weapons; and throw them at 20 paces.
I can’t promise to love you forever. Only ‘til the day I die.
Money isn’t the root of all evil, evil is the root of all evil.
Sherlock Holmes and Poirot, together, couldn’t find an apple in an
orchard without someone to write how they’re to do it.
Is clotted cream without clots similar to winkles without winks?
I’m not fast enough to catch a cold. Even if it was wearing diving
boots.
For all the use I’ve been I might just as well have spent my life
spraying perfume over a pig farm.
They may build a theme park at Manchester City’s football ground. I
thought it was a theme park already.
‘It’s always darkest before the dawn.’ Well it would be, before the dawn
it’s night time.
My grandfather told me that one of my ancestors was a horse thief. I
doubt it, that’s much too respectable for my ancestors.
A butterfly is a beautiful thing but a Centurion tank had the edge in
firepower.
In the Language of Flowers a red rose means everlasting love. I’ll buy a
big bunch and send a rose to every girl I can think of.
With 26 letters you can create every word in the English language. Just
think how crazy we’d be with double that.
If you’ve never kissed a man with a beard don’t worry, neither have I.
Putting your money where your mouth is doesn’t change a chatter box into
a money box.
I’m addicted to addiction.
‘Time Without End’ is im.
She had stronger legs than a dining room table but less of them.
Crime doesn’t pay, it steals.
Rugby player Gavin Henson looks like Elvis Presley on steroids. He’s
Welsh, maybe he can sing too.
THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN One liners
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MORE THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
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YET MORE THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
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EVEN FURTHER THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
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STILL MORE THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
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THAT SEPTUAGENARIAN'S STILL THINKING
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MORE SEPTUAGENRIAN THOUGHTS click
FURTHER SEPTUGENARIAN THINKING click
THE SEPTUGENARIAN THINKS AGAIN
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ECCENTRIC THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
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ODD THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
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