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MORE THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
I asked my bank for a statement. They said: ‘Take your business
somewhere else.’
I talk to myself but never get an intelligent answer.
I’m shallow, I lack depth. Also height!
If you don’t want to get eaten by a shark, climb a tree.
I’m as good as my word and my word is – rubbish.
Never wash your socks in acid. It ruins the darning.
One plus one makes eleven, but only if you’re bad at maths.
I’m a fast mover, I moved Lent to December because I’m not all that fond
of turkey.
Don’t take my word for it – I lie.
England would win more Internationals if the other football teams didn’t
consist entirely of foreigners.
Would Oliver Twist have been a better book if it had been called Oliver
Manipulate?
Don’t look back in anger, look forward in anticipation.
Men tell women enough white lies to create a snow storm.
Women like to have the last word and the first, and every word in
between.
If you want to cure writer’s block, write begging letters.
Would War and Peace be a one liner if it was written on very wide paper?
Do Japanese poets call Haiku three liners?
If the longest mile is the last mile home, it’s also got to be the
longest when you’re leaving.
Never live above your means. Get other people to buy things for you and
live above their means.
People say I’m a good listener but I’m actually thinking about what to
have for dinner.
Yesterday, today was the future. Tomorrow, today will be history. Not
much of a life is it!
I’ve made up my mind to be indecisive.
My golf handicap is that I don’t play.
If I had a pound for every time I’d done something stupid, I’d spend it
all.
The world’s beautiful. There’s no better place to live.
Dead men tell no tales. Well, that’s not a surprise.
Scotland’s a great place to live. Pity about the neighbours.
Is there intelligent life in space? Must be, after all there is in
Wales. Allegedly!
If I ruled the world I’d wear a crown of marshmallow because I’d need to
be soft in the head.
The rain in Spain may fall mainly on the plain but the rain in England
falls on just about everyone
.
Back your own judgement. No one else will.
If all the world’s a stage and the men and women in it merely players I
want to be the star not just have a walk-on part.
Napoleon was exiled to St Helena. It should have been St Helens but the
Foreign Office was never very good at spelling – or geography.
Is it possible to actually split an infinitive?
If someone you love dies you never forget them but gradually the pain
dies too.
The first time I saw the Scottish Parliament building in Edinburgh I
said: ‘Thank God I’m an Englishman.’
Ladies! Never trust a man who’s still breathing.
A friend and I were doing voluntary work at a local church but they had
no more use for us. I said: ‘If God’s laying people off the economy must
be in a bad way.’
The charity for whom I do voluntary work informed me that, because I’m
75, I was no longer covered by insurance. Which is ironic as the charity
is Age Concern.
Harvest the wine of your youth because the cup does run dry.
Never trust a man who scratches his head with an ice pick. He has no
brains, and soon no head.
You can’t stop yourself getting older but you can lie about your age.
I’d like to play the hero but I’d be miscast.
They say it’s better to be rich than poor but that’s something I’ve no
firsthand experience of.
If I knew what I liked and why I liked it I’d know everything that was
worth knowing about art.
I know nothing about artichokes but I know what I like.
If my parents had gone to live near the Med I could have supported a
decent national football team like Spain or Italy.
My daily paper ran an article on how to beat the credit crunch. On the
same day they put the price up. They didn’t say: ‘Stop buying this
newspaper.’
If we have a free press, how come a newspaper costs so much?
They call television ‘the media,’ which is the plural of medium or
someone who talks to the dead. Now that is patronising.
The media like to think that they’re the ‘conscience of the nation.’
That’s the funniest thing since Eve told Adam he was about to become a
father and Adam asked: ‘Are you sure it’s mine?’
THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN One liners
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MORE THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
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YET MORE THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
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EVEN FURTHER THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
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STILL MORE THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
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THAT SEPTUAGENARIAN'S STILL THINKING
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MORE SEPTUAGENRIAN THOUGHTS click
FURTHER SEPTUGENARIAN THINKING click
THE SEPTUGENARIAN THINKS AGAIN
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ECCENTRIC THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
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ODD THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
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