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FURTHER SEPTUGENARIAN THINKING
If it’s too good to be true it isn’t.
And Jesus came unto a field. And there was a shepherd in the field. And
the shepherd said unto Jesus: ‘Jesus will you take care of my sheep?’
And Jesus said: ‘No bloody chance.’
There’s no time like the present, or the past, or the future.
Life is a merry-go-round so don’t try to get off while it’s still in
motion.
Never put your money where your mouth is. There’s much better things to
do with it.
So many women have tattoos these days. It makes me feel like a James
Bond cocktail – shaken but not stirred.
My divorce came as a complete surprise – I wasn’t married.
He was very thin – he had less meat than a sausage.
If you kiss a gorilla, make sure it’s a female gorilla. You don’t want
people getting the wrong idea.
Her hour glass figure had stopped at ten to.
Don’t watch the in-flight movie. You’ll need to be awake when the plane
crashes.
I’m a Grumpy Old Man, but then I was born one.
If your journey’s 237 miles and you’re travelling at 73 miles per hour
how long does it take you to discover you’re on the wrong train?
Youth isn’t a substitute for experience – it’s better.
I like to exercise but at my age that means changing my library book.
It may be tough at the top but not nearly as tough as it is at the
bottom.
Never back experience against low cunning.
He was a self made man – he should have employed a construction expert.
The Mother’s Union are going on strike for six month pregnancies.
For a while I didn’t shop at HMV because I thought it was contagious.
If Ian Fleming’s book Dr No had been called Dr Yes would the world have
been a better place?
He was so hard boiled his egg timer had a nervous breakdown.
I didn’t know where to put my face, so I left it where it was – on my
shoulders.
The only way I’d win a Best Dressed Man contest would be if all the
other blokes were from a nudist colony.
My sister’s plates are clean enough to eat your dinner off.
I used to think the countries of the world could live in peace but I was
on medication at the time.
The love of a good woman is more elusive the Scarlet Pimpernel.
He feigned an interest in Spirit Writing so that he could drink the ink.
She had the skin of a rhinoceros, naturally, she was a female
rhinoceros.
He had the moral standards of a gentleman – and you know what they’re
like.
Evan’s above! He must have rented to top flat.
If Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus why do we need to keep
building schools?
The Inland Revenue were so impressed by my imaginative form filling they
asked me to give lectures to their Tax Inspectors.
At my age a walk on the wild side means a trip to the doctor’s for a
check up.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the toffee apple.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water – why didn’t
they just turn on a tap like the rest of us?
He was a good footballer, he could play in any position but preferred
upright.
His time clock said he was in the prime of life – he should have
consulted a sun dial.
She had a lot on her mind but she kept it under her hat.
What do you buy a woman who has everything? A burglar alarm!
He was an anorexic sumo wrestler.
At my age tiddlywinks is a contact sport.
Do MPs have stunt doubles to do their more dangerous jobs – like
attending constituency meetings or having meals in the House?
Don’t keep the home fires burning, get central heating.
I’ve not been well lately. I left the window open and influenza.
She had a nerve. I knew this because she told me I got on it.
I invented a time machine but someone had beaten me to it and called it
a clock.
The Government were going to create a Ministry of Stupid Ideas but
didn’t want to duplicate something they already had.
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