EVEN FURTHER THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
Our family couldn’t afford irony but we’re big on sarcasm.
Irony is sarcasm wearing its Sunday suit.
Stockport is famous for its railway viaduct, which is also the fastest way out of town.
I have the answer to the world’s problems. Of course, it’s the wrong answer.
If cleanliness is next to Godliness then my sister’s house must be heaven on earth.
My father taught me how to box but I didn’t like hitting people. I liked it even less when they hit me.
Yorkshiremen are Welshmen with attitude.
Old people are just young people in a used wrapper.
Have you noticed that mint flavoured toothpaste doesn’t taste of mint? Well, I wouldn’t put any on my lamb chop.
People think I’m pompous but only the rich are pompous, I’m snooty.
Never cross a mountain with a Jaguar unless you want a high rise flat.
If you can’t beat them and they won’t let you join them - surrender.
George Washington never told a lie. He wouldn’t have made it in British politics.
Would Satan regard Beelzebub as the neighbour from hell?
I know a Manchester City fan who thinks their new stadium at Eastlands is a cathedral. It’s not of course, because they haven’t got a prayer.
The old Wembley Stadium was just a slum with grass.
The Scottish Parliament building would look better if it stood in isolation instead of on the Royal Mile. The top of Ben Nevis would be good, the bottom of Loch Lomond even more so.
The English think of Westminster as the mother of all parliaments. The Americans think the same.
A friend, who’d never spent a night under canvas in his life, went into a sports shop and asked them to equip him for camping. He came out dressed like Julian Clarey.
I’m bald but I prefer the think of myself as an eggshell blond.
TV is the opium of the masses. Along with alcohol, tobacco and, of course, opium.
A friend calls me Boldy, not because I’m fearless, it stands for bald oldy.
Chris Evens wants to be my friend on Facebook. Can’t think why, I’ve never done him any harm.
They call coal ‘black gold’ but I’d prefer to have some of the yellow kind.
‘Heaven’s above.’ Good place for it.
If you’re looking for culture in Stockport take a microscope.
You can’t save what you haven’t got.
Is a lurcher a cross between a greyhound and a drunk?
One trouble with getting older is you outlive your savings.
Dying ruins your street cred.
If God had meant us to fly why did he bother inventing aeroplanes?
You’re only young once, so what, you’re only old once too.
Baldness is a state of mind, or something close to it.
Kids! Don’t try to outsmart your Granny, she’s got years of experience at being devious. Just ask your Grandad.
I’m addicted to life, but then, who isn’t?
Don’t cry for the past. It won’t change.
The tears of the blind are just as wet as anyone else. No more, no less.
They say: ‘Love makes the world go round.’ This came as a complete surprise to the astrophysicists.
What’s in a name? Well it helps your credit rating if your name’s Rothschild or Bill Gates.
I’d like to be remembered as a gentleman. If you define gentleman as a man who is gentle. Not otherwise.
I felt sorry for the people unable to fly because of the volcanic eruption in Iceland but, as someone who lives under the Ringway flight path, I wouldn’t mind if the volcano erupted every week.
If you have nothing to say, say it with style.
March to a different drumbeat. People will think you’re cleverer than you actually are.
Is everyone in Hungary in need of a good dinner?
Humour knows no boundaries but sometimes it loses its passport.
Always tell the truth but be careful who you tell it to.
‘Anyone can do my job, it’s not rocket science,’ said Werner von Braun.
Supermodels are making anorexia fashionable.
I give nothing away.
By the time you’ve discovered a purpose in life you’re too old to do anything about it.
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