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ECCENTRIC THOUGHTS OF A SEPTUAGENARIAN
Don’t pick the lesser of two evils, pick the one you know least about and become more efficient at it.
Where there’s a will there’s an argument.
She had a great figure but it didn’t add up to much.
A sculpture is a painting with depth.
Her body was the envy of every woman in the cemetery.
I used to live in a young man’s body. Where did he go, I liked him?
Elton John should have been the chairman of Manchester City. When they
lost he could have written a song called ’And That’s Why They Call Them
The Blues.’ At least Bernie Taupin could have written it.
I was going to take a trip to Liverpool but they wouldn’t issue me with
a passport.
I would have been over 6ft tall if I hadn’t lied about my age.
I was going to attend the Remembrance Day Parade but I forgot.
There’s no place like home. Thank goodness.
If time’s passing you by don’t worry, it’s passing everyone else by just
as quickly.
Loves fire burns brightest when the flame is fanned.
I don’t go out often in the daytime in case I’m descended from a
vampire. Luckily, the sun doesn’t shine much on Stockport.
I’ve been to the optician’s enough times to recognise a good eye test
when I can’t see one.
A good time was had by all but only enjoyed by some.
I have nothing to say and I’m going to take my time saying it.
No one in their right mind would want to live in an asylum.
‘God is good!’ Thank heaven for that.
God must be a woman! God can multi task.
If the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain, perhaps I’m living in
Spain but I’ve just not realised it.
The Jolly Roger has better bone structure then I do.
I need a steady job like driving Manchester City’s getaway coach after
they lose a game.
Home is where the heart is; and the rest of me.
I’m the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Well, two out of three isn’t too
bad.
Cricket is Rounders in slow motion.
My autobiography would be a great work of fiction.
TV adverts have more interesting plots than the programmes.
Only hot cakes sell like hot cakes.
Manchester City play in Sky Blue; Manchester United are called The Red
Devils. Who’d you rather
support Heaven or Hell?
Don’t let young love die. Give it a chance to become old love.
I used to have a sense of humour before I started supporting Manchester
City.
If you’re going to sail the Seven Seas don’t forget to take a boat, not
many people can walk on water.
Peacocks can’t lay eggs.
We become a poorer nation when Working Class people start regarding
themselves as Middle England.
If everyone in Britain was a celebrity we could all sit at home and read
books again.
If beauty’s skin deep why has an elephant never won the Miss World
Contest?
If all the world’s a stage that’s why actors need wings when they’re not
on it.
Don’t get your knickers in a twist. Untwisted knickers are in fashion
this season.
My fan club has a membership of one. It’s me!
I’m well preserved because my house is as cold as a fridge.
Without gravity there’d be no football and no cricket. Oh to live on a
planet with no gravity.
The Fat Lady hasn’t sung yet but in my case she’s waiting in the wings.
A good woman is rarer then hen’s teeth but who’s looking.
I don’t see eye to eye with my wife - she’s a foot taller than I am.
I painted her in the nude and she was wearing a siren suit and gum
boots.
I’ve got time on my hands, which is odd because most people have
fingers.
Joan Bakewell was the thinking man’s crumpet. I’m the thinking woman’s
burnt toast.
She had the body of a teenager. She kept it in the freezer.
‘Don’t weep for me when I am gone.’ It’s just for the weekend, I’ll be
back on Monday.
Don’t climb down, climb up.
Life isn’t just a bowl of cherries, there’s a few raspberries in there
too.
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