Tales of Eric the Idiot
A series of true tales of my friend Eric by Rachel Hillier
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Searching for a City Mug
I work in the court with an avid Manchester City supporter who is
obsessed with the new stadium and calls it iconic and a Cathedral. So
myself and my elderly friend Eric decided the appropriate Christmas
present would be a Manchester City mug. We set out to buy one. We went
to the sports shops in Stockport and all they had were Manchester
United, Liverpool, Arsenal and Chelsea mugs. We thought this was funny
seeing as we were near Manchester. My Dad and I decided it would be
easier to purchase it from the Manchester City website. Unfortunately we
had no luck in purchasing it from the website as they wouldn't accept my
Dad’s e-mail address. Nevertheless they are now e-mailing my Dad, which
is typical of Manchester City. In the end we gave up and my Dad decided
to take a trip up to Eastlands and buy the mug from there. So my Dad and
Eric went up there. It was convenient for my Dad as he was able to point
out Gorton Monastery to Eric who didn’t believe Gorton had a monastery
until recently. They finally reached their destination, Eastlands. Where
there was loads of Man City mugs for the fans, who are mugs themselves
to go and see Man City play.
The Day Eric Was Stood Up
Most Fridays Eric goes for a coffee at Starbucks with his friend from
work Rachel, and sometimes her friend Amy. He enjoys a chat and a coffee
with them and then they go off shopping.
He had bought a Christmas present for his friend John and they still
hadn't met up. They arranged to meet in the Pop In, but even that turned
out not to be as John was working. So one particular Friday they decided
to meet at Starbucks in the precinct in Stockport, at 3pm after Eric had
finished work.
Eric left work at 2.30pm to meet John. No sign of John at 3pm. So Eric
got a Latte, sat downstairs where John could see him when he came in and
read his paper. At 3.25pm still no sign of John, so Eric phoned him up
and spoke to him. John had forgotten they were meeting.
It dented Eric's ego as he had been stood up by women before but it was
the first time he had been stood up by a man. Especially as homely a
looking man as John.
Eric
the Idiot - The Saga of the Soup
Many years ago when Eric started working at the The Pop In. John the
chef had made some Leek and Potato Soup for the following day. When it
came near to closing time and we were washing up, drying up, cleaning
up, etc, Eric saw this soup, which he thought was finished with. So he
threw it away.
John came into the back and noticed the Leek and Potato Soup had gone.
Eric said: ‘Sorry John I thought it was finished with and threw it
away.’ John replied: ‘I have been busy all day making it for tomorrow.’
Eric just felt embarrassed and an idiot.
click here to listen to sound file
Eric and the Red Cabbage
Some years ago, while at the Pop In, John the Chef asked Eric could he go out and get six red cabbages. Which he did.
Eric returned with the six red cabbages and John wanted six jars of red cabbage to serve with hotpot. Eric asked John: 'Should I take them back?' John replied: 'No, it's alright.' So he pickled them to use with something else. So all was not lost.
Once again, as per usual, Eric just felt embarrassed and a fool.
Click here to listen to sound file
Eric the Idiot and His Phone
For many weeks now Eric has had a problem with his telephone. People were phoning up and couldn't get through.
So Eric decided to go out and get a phone you can walk around with. He couldn't work out how to get it functioning.
Last week Eric bought a plain simple phone, which you just plug into the wall. That seemed OK at first but then he got the same problem with it being engaged.
Eric's friend Brian phoned BT and they tested the line, but that too was OK. So there was obviously a problem somewhere in the phone line, as Eric still could only make outgoing calls and not receive any.
On Thursday morning, BT called round - and it wasn't the line. A switch at the back of the phone had been inadvertently turned off. Yet again another Eric the Idiot story.
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Eric the Idiot on Parade
Years ago when Eric was doing National Service, he travelled overnight
by train from Devon to a transit camp in London. The camp was an old
underground station in Googe Street.
Once Eric had arrived, he decided to have a shower. So wearing just his
underpants he proceeded to shower. Eric came out of the shower and was
drying himself when he heard someone calling his name.
He walked out of the shower into a parade of new arrivals and a sergeant
major in the Grenadier Guards was demanding to know where he was.
Eric appeared wearing just his underpants and the sergeant major was
less than impressed. After all no one had attended one of his parades
wearing just their underpants, and certainly not someone from the Guards
Regiments. But then Eric was one of the Royal Signals.
All this shows Eric was just as big an idiot when he was younger as he
is now.
Eric the Idiot - The Bland Leading the Blind
While Eric was on Stockport Railway Station, a blind man went up to him and asked him whether the train that had just pulled up at the platform stopped at Deansgate.
Eric checked the arrival board and told him it did. The man got on board, then the station announcer said it wasn't that train, as that train was running late.
So Eric chased down the platform to see which carriage the blind man was in, but the train left complete with the blind man.
The following week Eric was travelling on the train with two companions, and the same blind man got on board. Eric said 'Oh no! It's the blind man I put on the wrong train.’
One of Eric's friends invited the man to sit with them and then kept asking Eric questions. Eric answered in grunts, as he was afraid the blind man would recognise his voice, and hit him with his white stick.
A very embarrassing tale of Eric the Idiot.
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Eric the Idiot - Dedicated Follower of Fashion
Eric went to France on holiday. While he was on the Channel Ferry, Eric decided to buy a pair of sunglasses.
At the time it was trendy to hook sunglasses to the front of your shirt. The really cool hooked them onto their pocket.
Eric decided to be super cool, to hook them onto his back pocket. A couple of minutes later, Eric sat down and they broke. It was his one and only attempt at being a fashonista.
Yet again Eric felt like a right idiot.
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Eric The Idiot In Reverse (Or Not As The Case May Be)
Eric went to visit a friend in his black and rust van. Eric's friend’s wife and another woman were going to Manchester to see a new Cliff Richard film so he gave them a lift and promised to return when the film was over.
On Eric's return to his friend's house, his friend had just got a new job and a car came with it. His friend hadn't told his wife about the car as he wanted it to be a surprise. He told Eric he could use the car for the return trip as his wife's friend had to sit in the back of the van on the journey there. So Eric's friend stayed behind and babysat. He thought Eric would be more trustworthy in a car than looking after a baby and was probably right.
Eric arrived back in Manchester and found it difficult finding reverse while he was trying to park. He had never driven that model of car before. A policeman approached Eric and asked him what he was doing, so he told him the truth.
That he had taken his friend's wife to Manchester, while he stayed at home. When he got back a car had been delivered, which he then let Eric take to collect her, while again he stayed at home. Eric told him he was finding it difficult getting into reverse.
Eric didn't know the car number but could give the policeman his friend's home phone number, but he wouldn't know the car number either as he had never driven it. If they waited for his friend’s wife coming from the cinema, she didn't know they owned a car.
Eric could have invented a much more plausible explanation and the P.C. seemed somewhat underwhelmed by the truth.
Salvation came to Eric in the form of two drunks. The constable crossed the road to deal with them, so Eric did a runner. When he got back with the two ladies, he could at least prove that part of the story was true.
On their return the policeman had gone. He must have thought that no one was such a idiot as to make up such a crazy story, but then he didn't know Eric the Idiot.
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Eric the Idiot - Off His Tree
Eric went to a beach near Mombasa in Kenya and there he decided it would be a good idea to climb a tree and get a coconut.
He thought it wouldn't be difficult as in Tarzan films monkeys are always throwing coconuts at the bad guys. Eric believed the hard part would be climbing the tree.
So he climbed the tree and, grasping the trunk with one arm and his legs, pulled at a coconut. When the coconut decided to stay where it was Eric knew it wasn't going to be as easy as he first thought. The next stage of Eric's cunning plan was to hold onto the tree with his legs and use both hands to pull at the coconut.
The coconut stayed put and the other nut didn't. A few seconds after Eric landed on the beach. Not in a military sense, he really did land on the beach. At that point Eric decided to let monkeys do what they do best, and he would do what idiots do best.
Eric has been an idiot ever since.
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Eric the Idiot - The Singing Fool
When Eric was working at the Pop-In he used to sing to himself without realizing. He was doing it out of tune, of course, it was the only way he can sing.
Then one day a lady customer mentioned that Eric wasn't singing. It was true, so he decided to remedy that, sank on one knee at the side of her table and sang the Mario Lanza song ‘Be My Love’.
The lady at the next table said to Eric, ‘You never sang that to me’. He had been singing to the wrong woman. They both nearly burst their corsets laughing.
Eric was left with a very red face. This time he really had been a Singing Fool.
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Eric the Idiot Versus the Military Police
One Christmas Eric and his friend were in the Naafi Club in Nairobi. It was packed and they were lost somewhere in the middle.
The military police, known as 'Redcaps' because of their hats, came in and, from the safety of their position in the crowd, Eric and his friend started to sing Little Red Monkey.
It was like the Dead Sea parting for the Israelites. A gap opened up and Eric and his friend were exposed still singing merrily away.
The MPs came over and threw them out. Eric didn't know if they were music lovers or just didn't like being called Little Red Monkeys. However, the result was the same.
Yet another funny story of Eric the Idiot.
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Eric The Idiot - Inheritance
Before Eric was born, at a time of high unemployment, his parents lived in a small terraced house not too far from where Eric lives now.
Groups of unemployed Welsh Miners would sing in the street to raise money. One day a lone miner was singing outside Eric's parent’s house. The miner was on something of a loser as, at that time on Bowden Street, no one had much money.
However, the miner was only wearing a vest, so Eric’s Mum went out and gave him Eric's Father’s shirt. When his Mum told his Father he said: ‘Are you mad? I've only got two shirts.’ Eric's Mum replied: ‘Well you can't wear them both at once can you.’
Maybe Eric's streak of insanity is inherited from his Mother. He certainly hopes so.
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Eric the Idiot - Headbanger
Eric and two friends sailed from Scotland to Ireland then down the coast to Howth just south of Dublin.
Leaving the boat in the local marina, Eric and his friends decided to hit the town which Eric did literally. His friends jumped over the wall at the marina car park and so did Eric. Except Eric didn't quite make it. His foot caught the top of the wall and Eric did a head first somersault, landing on the concrete. He cut his head, grazed his shin, hurt his ribs and twisted his ankle.
Eric didn't do the sensible thing and seek medical attention, but then Eric is an idiot. He and his friends went to the pub where his friend put a beer mat on his head to stop the bleeding.
That seemed a good idea at the time. But a fortnight later, back in Scotland, Eric went to the hospital outpatients. He was still in pain. The beer mat hadn't done Eric's head much good, but the graze on his shin was improving.
However, Eric had sprained his ankle and broken his ribs. When Eric told his friend, he asked if it hurt. Eric replied: 'Only when I laugh.' So Eric's friend started telling him jokes.
With friends like Eric's who needs doctors?
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Eric the Idiot Gets Lucky
Eric was in a pub in Ireland having a drink with a couple of friends when two girls, who were on a hen night, approached him.
One of the girls asked Eric if he would kiss the bride. The reason she asked was not because he's an Errol Flynn look-alike, but because Eric strongly resembles a leprechaun.
For a bride to kiss a leprechaun is the height of good fortune. How could Eric refuse? So he kissed the second girl. After Eric had kissed her, she said: 'I'm not the bride.' Eric got to kiss the real bride too.
How lucky can he get. At an age when he should have been sitting in front of the fire wearing slippers and drinking cocoa, Eric had been snogging two young Irish girls.
His pals were green with envy.
Eric the Idiot and the Football Fan
Eric was visiting his friend in Scotland at a time when the Scottish
national football team had reached the World Cup finals. (England had
been eliminated, of course.)
He was in a shop in Helensburgh looking at CDs, when a Scottish football
fan came in and asked for the team's World Cup song, but didn't know the
title. However, at that point, Eric suggested that the title was ‘We'll
Be Home Before Our Postcards’.
Eric thought it was funny, the girl behind the counter thought it was
funny, the Scottish football fan didn't think it was funny.
Eric's English accent hadn't helped much. He was lucky to leave the shop
via the door and not through a window.
Eric the Idiot - Master Criminal
When Eric was in his mid teens he and a friend used to go to a pub in
Stockport after night school and have a pint of beer.
On one occasion the pub darts team was playing a friendly match. Their
opponents seemed a nice crowd and Eric and his friend were chatting to
them at the bar.
Eric's friend asked the landlord which pub they were from. The landlord
replied: 'They aren't from a pub they're the police.' Now in their
naivety Eric and his friend thought that being on licensed premises when
they were under age was up there, as a crime, with murder, stealing the
crown jewels or supporting Manchester City; and the police had formed a
cunning plan to trap them. Eric and his friend left hurriedly.
As a criminal mastermind, Eric is definitely not in Professor Moriarty's
league.
Eric the Idiot and the Pink T-Shirt
Eric was in a café in Stockport Market with his friend Rachel, when she
asked him: 'Why are you wearing a Pink T-shirt?’ Eric replied: ‘It isn't
Pink, it's Brick Red. It faded in the wash.’ Rachel insisted: ‘It's
Pink.’
So Eric decided to prove he was right and he approached 4 women who were
sitting at another table and asked: 'Excuse me ladies but what colour
would you say my T-shirt is?’ They all claimed it was Pink.
Eric asked if he looked like a bloke who would wear a Pink shirt? One of
the ladies told Eric it suited him. Rachel was practically falling off
her chair laughing.
Eric wasn't giving up, so he went to another table and asked the same
question. 'What colour is my T-shirt?’ This time three ladies said:
‘Pink!’ The fourth said: 'No, it isn't Pink.’ Eric then thought he was
getting a sensible answer. The fourth lady continued: ‘It's Blush Rose.’
Eric decided enough was enough. Even an idiot has to stop being a fool
at some point. Better be thought to be wearing a Pink shirt, than one in
Blush Rose. Besides Rachel was now laughing so much she was in danger of
doing herself a injury.
Eric The Idiot - Latter Day Sir Galahad
Eric tends to panic when travelling by train but not when he has someone
else to worry about.
He was on Glasgow Central Railway Station en route to Manchester and he
was as nervous as a kitten. He noticed a lady who was in a worse state
than himself and went over to assist, if he could.
He escorted her to the passenger waiting room and saw her and her
luggage settled, then bought her a coffee and checked which platform her
train left from and the time that passengers were allowed to board.
Eric sat down and chatted with her until she could get on the train.
When the train arrived he escorted her to her seat, lifted her case onto
the rack, wished her a safe journey and then left.
The lady seemed to be under the impression that Eric was a cross between
Errol Flynn and the Pope. Which of course he is. Unfortunately, Eric has
Errol Flynn's compassion and the Pope's sex appeal.
Eric The Idiot - Butterfly Wrestler
Eric's grandfather always told tall tales. He once claimed that his grandmother's brother was hanged for stealing horses. This was never confirmed by any other member of Eric's family.
That didn't stop Eric's young chest swelling with pride for having such a riotous ancestor. Though, deep down, he knew it was a load of rubbish.
So when Eric's great nephew, who was young and impressionable at the time, asked Eric if he had studied Karate, he took up his grandfather's mantle.
Eric replied that he had a pink belt at butterfly wrestling. 'Is that good?’ Eric’s great nephew wanted to know. ‘I’ve never been beaten by a butterfly yet.' Eric claimed truthfully.
Eric's grandad, Reg, could now sleep easy in his grave. The family tradition of talking cobblers was safe for another generation.
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Eric the Idiot - Party Animal
When Eric's great nephew was six his parents held a fancy dress birthday party for him.
Eric had hired a Spiderman costume and also put party poppers in the sleeves so that he could throw out spider’s webs. Of course, Eric was the only adult in fancy dress, he stood out like a sore thumb.
Things went worse for Eric when he answered a knock on the door. It happened to be a man from the town hall checking to see who lived at each address. He started by saying: ‘Now let me see there's Spiderman.’ Eric's nephew and his wife weren't impressed. A new low was reached when, after the party, a six year called round to ask: ‘Is Eric coming out to play?’
Eric didn't even win the prize for the best fancy dress. Dracula won that - and his mother had made his costume.
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Eric the Idiot - Couldn't Hold a Tune in a Bucket
When Eric was at Primary School it was the custom, at the time, for everyone to assemble in the hall, prior to their lessons, to sing hymns. Somebody couldn't string two notes together and was putting the whole of the school out of tune.
The headmaster stood behind every child and listened. When he approached Eric he said: ‘Just open and close your mouth.’ Eric wasn't allowed to sing in the school again.
Was Eric traumatized by that early set back? Of course not! However, he now feels in need of comfort in his old age, but don't send him letters of sympathy, just send cash.
Eric the Idiot - Multi Linguist (l Think Not)
Eric and two friends were in Glasgow. They were going to visit the Kelvingrove Museum but before they went they had something to eat at a restaurant opposite the Museum.
The name of the restaurant was 'Blas' and while Eric and his friends were eating their Cullen Skink (you don't know what that is do you and nor did Eric), one of his friends was pondering over the name ‘Blas’ and wondering what it meant.
Eric thought it could be Spanish, basing his theory on the fact there is an eighteenth century novel called ‘Gil Blas' which is set in Spain. He wasn't content to leave without asking what ‘Blas' meant. The waitress said: 'It's Gaelic and it means Taste and Flavour’.
‘Told you it was Spanish,’ Eric insisted but without any conviction. Even so he still enjoyed the Cullen Skink, it was very tasty. (You still don't know what it is. Eric isn't going to tell you he could get that wrong too.)
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Cullen Skink is a thick Scottish soup made of smoked Finnan haddie, potatoes and onions. Lacking the traditional ingredient, any other undyed smoked haddock or cod will suffice.
This soup is a local speciality, from the town of Cullen in Moray, on the north-east coast of Scotland. The soup is often served as a starter at formal Scottish dinners.
The name is not derived from Gaelic. The first element refers to the town of Cullen in Moray, skink is a Scots word for a shin, knuckle or hough of beef which has developed the secondary meaning of a soup, especially one made from these. The word skink is ultimately derived from Middle Dutch schenke "shin, hough", also the root of modern English word shank.
Cullen Skink appears in many traditional Scottish cookery books and appears on a large number of menus across Scotland. The soup is extremely easy and quick to make.
Eric the Idiot - Big Mouth
What does Prince Charles, heir to the throne, have in common with Eric the Idiot, commonest of commoners. Nothing, I hear you say but you'd be wrong.
Neither of them have a degree in architecture, but that doesn't stop either of them offering opinions. Charlie Chuck Chuck because he's interested in architecture, Eric because he's a big mouth.
This leads us to a place long ago and far away. But not all that long ago and far away.
The place was Edinburgh. The New Scottish Parliamentary Building had just been finished. Eric was in town, so he walked down the Royal Mile for a gander. It was rubbish. Eric was about to say so when he noticed that the men he was going to offer his candid opinion to were construction workers. Men with hard hats and even harder muscles.
So Eric decided on a more subtle approach and said: 'It makes me proud to be an Englishman.’ Thus preserving his teeth in situ.
If you're Scottish or an architect or even a Scottish architect don't be offended by that rash, uninformed opinion. There are lots of buildings south of the border that would be better if replaced by a multi storey car park made of Lego.
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Eric the Idiot – Caught in a Towel
One morning Eric's friend Rachel and her Dad went round to Eric's to deliver some papers for him to take to the Pop In.
Usually Rachel's Dad is on his own when he delivers the papers, but this particular time Rachel was with him.
On their arrival at Eric's, Rachel's Dad knocked on the door several times. He said to her: 'I think he's overslept or gone out, let's leave them on his doorstep.’
Eventually, Eric, who had been in the shower, opened the door, he appeared with a towel round him and nothing else. Eric was very red faced and even more embarrassed when he saw Rachel come from behind her Dad.
Eric will make sure he's never in that situation again.
Eric the Idiot and the Soft Shoe Shuffle
Eric's friend Rachel was in hospital and he decided a visit from him
would cheer her up. On reflection, a visit from an idiot is more likely
to depress a patient but Eric didn’t think of that.
Nothing daunted, on Eric’s arrival his friend Rachel was looking a bit
down in the mouth. So he decided drastic action was needed.
Maybe a touch of the Gene Kelly’s, so Eric put up his umbrella and
started singing and dancing down the ward. That number from Singing in
the Rain where he gets soaked.
Rachel cheered up, the rest of the patients on the ward thought it was
hilarious. The ward sister was definitely not impressed.
So to nervous ward sisters everywhere the message is. There will be no
repeat performance. Unless, of course, Eric needs to visit Rachel again.
Eric the Idiot - Zulu
Eric was queuing in the bank to draw some money out of the pittance he
had left in his account. The man in front of him complained about the
hot weather.
‘We British complain about anything,’ the man said. ‘I'm not British,’
Eric replied. ‘I’ve gone this pale colour as I've not been well
recently. I'm actually a Zulu.’
'Are you?’ the man commented, believing him totally. Maybe Eric should
stop making remarks such as those, he’s becoming too convincing.
Or maybe Eric should have said he was from Mars.
Eric the Idiot - Artless
In 2002 Eric decided to try and start painting. Not two coats of
emerald-green for the door and two coats of sky-blue for the skirting
board. Eric decided to be a latter day Van Gough. He had watched a video
on how to paint with acrylics and thought: ‘I can do that.’ He was
wrong, but kept on trying.
Eric had a breakthrough. In 2005 he painted a portrait of Christ, which
he thought looked pretty good. After Eric had it framed, he took it down
to the Pop In, where he was a volunteer pot washer, so that he could
show someone. One of the customers asked: ‘Did he sit for it or did you
use a photograph?’
It shattered Eric's illusion of being the next Picasso. It was Christ!
He had painted him with a halo. Sat for it, photograph! Perhaps Eric
should have stuck to the two coats of emerald-green and two coats of
sky-blue in 2002.
Did this setback stop Eric trying to paint? No, and you can see the
painting of Christ on Createwrt Social Network (CSN). Just click on the
icon and go to Painters’ Pot.
Don't bother if you're an art critic. Eric has had enough of those.
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Eric the Idiot - Solid Citizen
One evening while Eric was on his way home, he discovered a plastic
container which was full of white capsules. At the time there seemed to
have been a rash of burglaries at doctors' surgeries and drugs had been
stolen, or so the newspapers claimed.
Eric was determined to be a good citizen and took the capsules to show
the police.
On his arrival at Stockport Police Station, Eric approached the desk.
'Good evening officer,’ Eric said, ‘I've found these white capsules in
the street.’ He felt proud that, although the standard of behaviour was
said to be falling, he was doing his best at being a model citizen.
The constable studied the white capsules, then he replied: 'Yes sir,
they're Tic-Tac Mints.’
It must be said that no one at Police Headquarters fell about laughing
until Eric had left the building. Don't you think our policemen are
wonderful, or at least politely restrained.
Eric the Idiot - Gourmet
Eric was in London to see an England v Scotland football match. After the game he and his friends couldn't decide whether they should spend the early evening going to a theatre or having something to eat. The inner man won so they went to an Italian Restaurant.
On their arrival the staff thought they were a bunch of drunken football fans (fans they were but the drinking came later), and placed them in the basement, where there was just Eric, his friends and the kitchen.
Eric ordered a dish which was delicious. He assumed that if they had gone to see a show he would have applauded the acts, as that's what you do when you go to the theatre. So why not applaud the chef. The meal had been outstanding.
Going into the kitchen, Eric declared he had enjoyed the meal very much and he started to clap. The kitchen staff responded and returned the applause. Upstairs they heard the noise and thought the drunks were having a riot. The waiters charged down to sort it out and found themselves in the middle of a mutual appreciation fest. They joined in as well.
The manager of the restaurant, who had never experienced anything like that before, sent a waiter down with a complimentary sweet to be given to the man with the beard.
What's this, I hear you ask? Eric the Idiot hitting it big in the nation’s capital? No chance! There was another bearded man in Eric's party. Guess who was given the free pud!
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Eric the Idiot - Art Expert
Eric was at his friend’s reading an art magazine. OK, you win, he was looking at the pictures in an art magazine, what did you expect, some of those magazines have very long words, and the pictures in art magazines are worth looking at. They are works of art after all.
So to start again! Eric was looking at the illustrations in his friend’s art magazine. It had two articles on abstract art and he was comparing the two sets of prints. Eric thought the work of one artist looked a load of rubbish, but he liked the other’s. This particular artist had managed to balance areas of shape and colour to create a very pleasing effect. Eric wouldn't have minded owning one.
So he proceeded to read the articles. (You see he can read, even joined up lettering.) The paintings he didn't like were by Jackson Pollock, an American Abstract Expressionist, whose work sells for millions. The paintings which he admired were by a chimpanzee from London Zoo.
What does this say about Eric and his knowledge of art? Not a lot, but I think our simian cousins would approve, if not our American cousins on the other side of the big wet thing.
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Eric the Idiot - Dress Sense of a Salad
Eric was in Kenya doing his National Service and he decided to buy a typical African shirt. He failed to notice that all the locals wore neat, white shirts and he bought a shirt with multi coloured tropical fish swimming in and out of red seaweed, in a yellow sea.
Eric thought he was the bee’s knees, but one of his friends wondered if the t-shirt was African at all. Eric had an ace up his sleeve or rather inside his collar.
‘It must be look at the name, Canda. That must be a place somewhere in Africa,’ Eric observed, trying not to sound too superior. His friend replied: 'It's not a place in Africa, it spells C and A.’
Eric would like to report that it was his last attempt at being a fashion leader, but it probably wasn't.
Once an idiot, always an idiot.
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Eric the Idiot - Collector
John Fowles wrote a book called The Collector about a man who collected women. Eric started a collection, which was much less exotic. He started to collect elastic bands, although amassing would be a better word.
While Eric was walking around Stockport he couldn't help but notice the elastic bands which postmen had dropped while making their deliveries and he formed a cunning plan. If he picked them up and took them home he would never need to buy another elastic band as long as he lived. Eric suddenly found he had a small collection of elastic bands.
After a while he realized that he had never bought an elastic band in his life and probably never would. So he consoled his ego by thinking that, for a short while, the streets of Stockport were marginally tidier.
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Eric the Idiot - Strictly Talking
Eric was in a cafe in Stockport Market having a cup of tea when one of the writers from the Createwrt website came in and joined him.
As Eric’s conversational skills are quite limited they quickly got round to the subject of: ‘What’s on Television.’ Eric's companion told him: ‘There's a new series of Strictly Come Dancing starting next week.’ 'I always watch it,’ Eric replied, 'I like looking at women’s legs.’
The chatter in the cafe died while everyone looked around to stare at the male chauvinist pig. Eric's friend from Createwrt looked as if she wanted to hide under the table and Eric wished he didn't have a such a very loud voice.
And it was only a joke. Honest!
Eric the Idiot on How to Blag Your Way In
Three examples of attempts at conning your way into somewhere you're not
supposed to be.
Attempt One
A Stockport boxing promoter was putting on a show in Manchester,
to which Eric was keen to go.
Eric was working at the local newspaper at the time and he had the idea
of phoning the promoter claiming he was a reporter, which of course he
wasn't, and he was going to cover the fights. It worked and Eric got a
ringside seat next to ex world champion Jim Watt and TV commentator Reg
Gutteridge. He wrote an article for the paper which they cut down to a
quarter of its original length. That's the media for you.
It led to one of the editors saying it was disgraceful that he should
pass himself off as a journalist. Eric replied that it hadn't upset him,
that the editor was passing himself off as a journalist.
Attempt Two
Eric was in Manchester drinking and one of the party thought it would be
a good idea to go to a club. Neither Eric nor any of his friends were
members, but that didn't deter one bright spark. Finding a reporter's
name in the Manchester Evening News he claimed to be writing a series of
articles about Manchester night life for the M.E.N. Would it be OK if he
called round? They were delighted. He asked if he could bring a few
friends? He could. They got in.
Was it worth it? Not really. The beer was more expensive and the
atmosphere that of a morgue on a Monday afternoon. Maybe they paid the
guy to rustle up custom for them?
Attempt Three
Now for a con which failed.
Eric and two of his friends went out for the evening in Stockport, they
decided to see if they could get into a club. Of course they weren't
members, which didn't bother one of Eric's friends who could normally
talk his way up a tree. So he asked if any of them knew a member. Eric
did and armed with the name they set off.
On their arrival they approached the desk which was guarded by a man
mountain who looked as though he was about to burst out of his suit.
'Write your names in the book and I'll sign you in,’ said Eric's friend
to the two of them. 'You are a member sir!’ enquired the one man crowed
politely? Eric's friend gave the false name and claimed: 'I haven't got
my membership card but you can look me up in the members’ book.’ 'You
can prove your identity?’ asked the muscular one, still politely? 'Of
course,’ replied Eric's luckless pal and showed his driving licence,
which was in his real name. The suit became less polite and they were
asked to leave.
Never try this! Mother Teresa couldn't con her way through the Pearly
Gates using that blag.
Eric the Idiot and The Great Hairy Thing
Eric and his sister were in Rhode Island Coffee, in Stockport, drinking
their Lattes, when the two young female barristas threw a collective
wobbler.
Had the cafe been raided by a gang of armed, masked men? No, there was a
spider in the toilet. Surely, even an idiot like Eric could have dealt
with it, I hear you reason. After all it wasn't one of the mutant
spiders, the size of a small elephant, so beloved by makers of horror
movies. The type who hung around Hollywood for years waiting for
Technicolor, so that their agents could maximise their fee. It was only
one of your average spiders.
So what did our damsels in distress do, if not availing themselves of
Eric's services as an animal catcher. They got a policeman. A policeman!
Even Eric is macho enough to evict a spider and his sister could have
elbowed the spider, Eric and the policeman without spilling a drop of
her coffee. Still, they were two very pretty girls and a uniform does
have a certain attraction.
There is a theatrical costumiers up the road from the coffee shop. On
his next visit Eric might go dressed as Superman.
Does anyone know the address of Rent a Spider?
Eric the Idiot - Will Have to Get His Specs Changed
Ever since being a youngster Eric has always tried to be polite. Saying
please, thank you, excuse me, and holding doors open so that people are
able to walk through. This last thing was what Eric was doing one day on
Stockport Merseyway Precinct.
Eric was in town shopping and was about to go into Boot's when he
noticed that a group of ladies were leaving. He held the door open, as
they came out each one saying ‘thank you’ as she walked past. All that
is but one and she never moved.
Eric held the door open for a minute or two without her even blinking an
eyelid, so he entered the shop, to find he'd been holding the door open
for a cardboard cut out.
You may find this strange, which of course it is, but in mitigation, she
was at least as animated as some of the women Eric knows.
Eric the Idiot - Pseudo Santa
When you have a white beard you often get likened
to someone else.
A garden gnome’s a popular choice. (For a small fee
Eric will spend the summer in anyone's garden - provide your own fishing
rod.) Uncle Albert from Only Fool's and Horses, also Captain Birdseye
crop up at times, even Lord Attenborough; but by far the commonest
observation is: ‘Are you Father Christmas?’
When Eric was walking home one day a small boy, who
was standing by the side of a car, asked just that. Eric has several
stock answers for the occasion, he replied: 'No, but I'm a very close
friend of his. I lend him my beard at Christmas, because he doesn't have
one of his own to go out in.’ A dodgy remark to make, but more of that
later, to continue with the tale. Eric reminded him: ‘Only good boys and
girls get presents. Did you get presents last year?’ The boy assured
Eric he had so Eric continued: 'Did your Mummy get a present?’ 'No she
didn't.’ 'She must have been a very naughty girl,’ he commented. That
was unwise, as a woman appeared up from behind the car claiming: 'I did
get a present, I'm not a naughty girl.’ Oops.
Now, as promised, back to beard lending. Eric once
told that to his great nephew who tried, much to his mother's
embarrassment, to pull the beard off a Santa Claus shouting: 'Give it
back to my Uncle.’
Finally, for the other Santa Lookalikes, a teenage
girl asked Eric if he was Father Christmas. Eric told her he was and
said: 'Do you know why Santa always looks so jolly?’ She didn't so he
informed her: ‘I know where all the naughty girls live!’
Eric should be so lucky!
Eric the Idiot - Lost
Eric had been made redundant and was looking for
work, and he applied for a job as a postman. The outdoor life would be a
pleasant change from what he had done before. First there was a written
test, which he passed with no difficulty. Then there was the interview.
Eric is usually very nervous at interviews and
makes a complete mess of them. If getting a job relied on the interview
alone Eric would never have got a got a job from the time when he left
school.
However, this one went well and at the end they
thanked each other and Eric turned to leave. Trying to make an urbane
exit he opened the door and walked into a cupboard.
That has to be one of the major reasons why Postman
Pat never shared a round with Postman Eric. Eric has a sense of
direction and the fleetness of foot of an arthritic tortoise.
Eric the Idiot - Walks the Streets of London
A funny thing happened to Eric while he was crossing London by train.
One of his fellow passengers noticed Eric's white beard and asked: 'Are you God?’ Us northerners are supposed to be the friendly ones. Eric had to meet the only guy in town who wanted to strike up a conversation. I ask you, if Eric had been God he would be travelling by thunderbolt not British Rail, but I digress.
Eric was in London visiting one of his Great Nephews, who lives in that fair city with his girl friend. They spent Saturday sightseeing. (Eric had seen it all before but it didn't seem polite to mention that.)
They did approximately 30,000 steps. (Eric was wearing a step counter.) On their return Eric's Great Nephew fell asleep, while Eric watched television. The girl friend of Eric's Great Nephew said: 'You're the fittest man of your age I've ever met.’
When Eric returned home, he mentioned this to his older sister. Bragged would be a better word. Her reply was: ‘Is she blind?’
click here to listen to story
Eric the Idiot - Rings the Bell
If there was a tax on brains, Eric would be due a rebate.
He was at the Pop In, a pensioners’ drop in cafe in Stockport run by Age Concern, where he does voluntary work washing pots, annoying people, that sort of thing. It was a quiet day but that was about to change.
Another volunteer noticed a small grey plastic box on the wall and asked: 'What's that for?’ Eric didn't know either, but his natural curiosity, or should that be stupidity, came to the fore. They both examined it and Eric noticed a button covered in dust, so he pressed it. It turned out to be an alarm. No one knew where the key that would turn it off was kept, but someone thought it could be connected to a more obvious alarm on another wall. They keyed in the code, there was no connection. They had now set off the fire alarm too.
Then came a frantic few minutes while customers were told not to panic (which is difficult when you're panicking yourself); other people who were using the building reassured that there wasn't a fire; and most importantly the Fire Brigade also informed that there was no fire.
If they had arrived Eric's face, which was now bright red with embarrassment, would have been even redder than the fire engine.
Eric the Idiot - Poet or Lover
Eric and a couple of his friends were in a pub in Howth, Ireland, which
was next door to the local marina. (The pub that is, not Howth. That's
the town with the pub and the marina.)
Eric went to the bar to order a round of drinks, when a young lady
approached him and asked: 'Are you from one of the yachts in the
marina?’ To which Eric replied: 'We're not that macho, we’re poets and
lovers.' Pointing at his friends he told the lady: 'They're the poets
and I’m the lover.’ She glanced at Eric, turned on her heel and walked
quickly away.
She could, at least, have listened to a poem.
Eric the Idiot - Keanu Reeves Look Alike
A young girl, who was a fan of the film star Keanu Reeves, did some
voluntary work at the Pop In with Eric. He told her that he was
considered, by many, to be Keanu Reeves’ double. Of course, that was met
with scorn. But Eric had a cunning plan.
He started asking people to mention that they too had noticed a
likeness. A ‘Big Issue’ seller was particularly convincing, but the
pinnacle was when Eric persuaded a policewoman to say she also had
noticed the remarkable likeness between them. (Eric thinks our
policewomen are wonderful.)
There is, need it be said, a certain resemblance. If Keanu Reeves was
40years older, short, fat, bald, bearded and wearing glasses, they could
be mistaken for one another, if they stood side by side in a coal mine.
Who was Eric kidding? Keanu would still be pulling the birds, while Eric
couldn't pull out a plum if his thumb had got stuck in a fruit pie.
Eric the Idiot - Who Reads Latin Anyway?
Eric was in a town centre pub called The Stockport Arms and not surprisingly on the wall there happened to be the Stockport Coat of Arms. Eric started to wonder what the Latin motto meant! The guy he was drinking with didn't know either. Eric then did a stupid thing (again which wasn't unsurprising). He shouted that everyone in the pub should shut up. Now that’s not recommended by the dental profession, unless you want to spend the future carrying your teeth in a small plastic box.
Eric's friend tried to look as if he was a stranger and had just struck up a casual conversation with him: and would have rather been at home watching TV anyway.
When Eric explained his problem, and asked if any of them knew the answer, his fellow boozers couldn't have been nicer. Of course, not one of them did, not even the bar staff. If Eric was in a pub in downtown Oxford, people would have been rushing to prove how cultured they were, but this was Stockport. (Eric apologises to the many Oxonians, who don't give a monkey’s about dreaming spires and would like to get on with their lives, like the rest of us. He didn't mean to stereotype you.)
He lived on in happy ignorance until one day he told the story to his diet guru. A young lady who doesn’t, unlike Eric, have a brain the size of a pickled onion. She did, however, search the web. For those of you who managed to wade through all this waffle. The motto on the Stockport Coat of Arms means ‘With Courage and Faith’. Not many people know that!
Eric the Idiot - Gets the Boot
Eric and a friend were on a walking holiday in the Lake District. They
were members of the YHA and they spent each night in one of their
Hostels.
In those days every Youth Hosteller was given a task to do before they
left in the morning. This could be: washing pots, sweeping, tidying, the
usual run of domestic chores. In one Hostel Eric's friend was lumbered
with a corker. He was given a milkmaid’s yolk, with a pail at each end,
and was told to collect the milk. That was about a mile away across the
fields.
By contrast Eric's job was a gift from heaven, or so it seemed. He, and
another chap, had to brush out the girl’s dormitory. With a spring in
their step and a brush over their shoulder, whilst trying their best to
look like Hollywood matinee idols, they walked into the girl’s dorm. The
girls then threw hiking boots at them. Men’s boots may be larger, but
the hob nails and clinkers on a size 6 happen to be just as hard and
heavy as a size 9.
They both beat a hurried and undignified retreat. Looking back the
warden probably pulled that same trick over and over again. They must
have a looked a pair of idiots. This wasn't too hard for Eric.
Eric the Idiot and The Swan of Avon
Eric used to be a compositor in the printing industry and was compiling a tourist booklet about William Shakespeare and Stratford-upon-Avon.
His manager came to see how the work was progressing and then proceeded to discuss Shakespeare, which isn't a subject Eric knows a lot about. He's never been a fan of the Bard. Just to keep his end of the conversation alive Eric said: ‘Some people don't believe he wrote the plays as he had such a poor education.’
The manager took a long look at Eric, then replied: 'I went to the same school that Shakespeare attended.’ Oops! Don't you just hate it when that happens?
Once again typical of the things Eric the Idiot says.
Eric the Idiot and a Trip to the Optician’s
A funny thing happened to Eric while on his way to the optician’s. At
the optician’s to be precise, but let’s start at the beginning.
Eric had never been to an optician’s before, but of course there's a
first time for everything. He thought it would be a good idea to get his
eyes tested and he went to book himself an appointment.
On arrival to the optician’s, Eric fell over the step and landed on his
hands and knees in front of the receptionist's desk. Picking himself up,
with as much dignity he could muster, he asked: ‘Could I please book an
eye test?’
There's an old joke. Man goes to the doctor's and the doctor says: 'You
need glasses.’ The man replies: ‘I haven't told you what's wrong yet.’
'You don't need to,’ says the doctor, ‘I could tell as soon as you
walked through the window.’
Eric the Idiot could have been that man.
Eric the Idiot - Dangerous to Know
It was claimed that Lord Byron was 'Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Know’.
Well Eric isn't as mad, but is dangerous to know.
One of Eric's colleagues suffered a heart attack and awoke in hospital
only to find a priest reading the last rites to him. He almost died of
fright. Could things get any worse? Of course they could! Enter Eric the
Idiot into the scheme of things.
Back at their place of gainful employment, Eric was cutting up a
cornflake packet. (Cornflake packet, you say, is this pertinent to the
story? It is the story and if you keep interrupting then I’ll never get
round to finishing it.) Eric was cutting up a cornflake packet, the
reason was, on the back was printed a mask, which was a dead ringer of
the foreman.
He then made a guy, complete with shoes, gloves for hands and a white
dustcoat. Eric then placed it in his friend’s locker and put a work
docket in its hand.
When the heart attack victim returned to work, he was greeted with
enthusiasm to which he replied by giving everyone a Royal Wave. However,
when he went to open his locker, the foreman was handing him a job and
he hadn't even got his coat off. He had to sit down.
Well I did say Eric was dangerous to know. Lord Byron was just an
amateur compared with Eric the Idiot.
click here to listen to story
Eric the Idiot - Two for the Show
Years ago when Eric was young and foolish he invited a girl to see a
play.
The girl liked Shakespeare and there was a season of Bard's work at one
of the Manchester theatres. Surprisingly the girl accepted Eric's
invitation. So he went ahead and booked the tickets, leading her to
believe that he too was a fan of Bill the Quill. The Shakespeare season
finished the day before Eric booked their seats and they sat through a
kiddies panto. Eric and his friend were the only adults not accompanied
by children. He preferred it though. You can't warn Duncan of Macbeth's
intentions by shouting ‘He's behind you!’
However, that was the end of what might have been a beautiful
friendship. You must always check which show you're going to see and
never lie to a woman. It really annoys them when they find you've been
telling the truth all along.
Another Eric the Idiot mistake.
Eric the Idiot Slugs It Out
Eric had been getting slugs in his kitchen. Not a big deal you say,
after all slug pellets or even a pinch of salt will get rid of slugs.
The trouble was, Eric wasn’t keen on killing them. If it had been a
kitten no one would have expected him to kill that as kittens are
regarded as cute animals. Does that mean slugs need to die as they are
regarded as zero on the cute-o-meter. That’s not in his book.
Eric still didn’t want them in his kitchen, not even if they offered to
help pay the council tax. Which, of course, they didn’t (bunch of
cheapskates). What did Eric do? He picked them up and put them out in
his garden. For a slug this is probably the equivalent of going on a
continental holiday, with Eric providing then with free transport. There
was never a word of thanks though. So an idiot down to his fingertips.
At least he can’t be accused of killing God’s creatures. Not even small
slimy creatures.
Eric the Idiot - Poacher
People may think, from the title, that Eric has been out in the
countryside bagging someone else's fish or game; no, it was tea time and
he decided to do a poached egg on toast. People who are really into the
cooking lark spin the boiling water round and crack the egg straight
into the water, using centrifugal force to hold the egg together. This
is a talent beyond Eric, he uses a poaching pan.
Eric had put the pan on the stove and the bread under the grill when the
phone rang. Leaving the pan on a low light he went to answer the phone.
It was me and he had a lot to tell me.
Once we had finished talking, he went back into his kitchen to continue
with his tea. The poacher had run dry in the meantime and the plastic
lid had welded itself into the pan. Did Eric eat the egg? Of course he
did, no point not doing, a bit of melted plastic wouldn't harm him. Or
would it?
There used to be a programme on television called Can't Cook - Won't
Cook, maybe they'll start a series which stars Eric and name it Can't
Cook - Shouldn't Be Allowed To Try.
Yet another Eric the Idiot moment.
Eric the Idiot - Oh Mister Porter
The corpse, albeit not in position to appreciate it, was a member of a
very exclusive club. 006.33 recurring, while having his licence to kill,
had, at that stage of his career, not turned off many enemies of Her
Majesty's Government.
Enough of this rubbish! Eric doesn't want to be a James Bond clone, it
was the cocktails and the women, the fast cars and the women, the sense
of life and the women. Let's return to what Eric in fact is. He’s an
idiot.
Eric says he doesn't support Stockport County or any other team but one
day he decided to go to Crewe to see Stockport County play Crewe
Alexandria. Eric boarded the train at Stockport and, along with a few
other supporters, started the journey south. On their arrival at Crewe
station he asked the way to the football ground. Then Eric found out the
game had been cancelled, he ended up catching the same train back to
Stockport. It could have been worse though! Those few supporters who
knew where the ground was situated didn't need to stop to ask
directions. However, they must have known in Stockport the match had
been postponed and most of the fans were actually wearing County
colours. No one had thought to mention the postponement to Eric or
anyone else.
What a sense of humour we do have in Stockport.
Eric the Idiot - More Mobile Than His Phone
Eric was visiting his pal in Scotland. He had promised he would keep in
touch and text me.
This is no big deal in the 21st Century. It isn't as if he was
despatching a runner with a note in a cleft stick; sending texts by a
relay of drums; or going to a seance to deliver a greeting via the
spirit world. This is the age of the mobile phone and Eric's mobile was
his intended means of communication.
So far so good, but the system suddenly failed. Each time Eric tried to
text me nothing happened, the 21st Century technology had let Eric down
and he had also let me down. Eric thought his phone was kaput.
On his return Eric purchased a new phone and tried to text me again. It
was the same result as in Scotland. It's true, though, that Eric is far
more comfortable with 19th Century technology than 21st, but this was
hardly state of the art. Was Eric in a communication Black Hole? That
wasn't the case. The simple answer was that I had changed my phone
number. There was nothing wrong with Eric's original phone.
I had actually done Eric a favour. His mobile, although not one of the
early ones the size of a brick and about the same weight as a baby
elephant, was substantial. So Eric ended up buying one of the smaller
models.
I eventually bought the same phone as Eric. I knew more about the phone
in a week than he did in 4 months. But that, of course, is typical of
Eric the Idiot.